Rolf and Connie
by lolzwaitwhat
Summary: Based on my AAnA storyline only not genderbended, so it's technically my EEnE storyline. Fun little one shots featuring our favorite old country boy, Rolf and his Southern lady Connie.


The twenty-two year old Son of a Sheppard flipped a page, murmuring the page's contents as he threaded his fingers through his messy hair, trying his best to hold back a yawn as he spoke.

Who knew trying to open up a daycare would require so many licenses and work around his family home? There were so many things that weren't needed to care for another's children in the old country, (at least, none that he could remember) he even had to buy a property behind the farm to build an extension to his home as well as a playground! He had no idea it would be so difficult to be able to legally be able to watch his friends' young children while they were away at work!

But he was determined to do this. He _needed_ to do this.

Ever since a certain helpful cowgirl had helped bring the farm to the twenty-first century, he'd had less to do during the day and felt restless without as much work. (Not that he wasn't grateful for the aid, his grandparents had sadly passed a while back and his parents weren't getting any younger...)

"Hey." A familiar female voice called, he jumped a bit in surprise before recognizing the voice and turning towards her, a smile growing on his face despite his lack of energy.

"Hello Cowpoke-Connie." He replied in a raspy voice.

Her black hair in its usual braid with her cowgirl hat perched on her head, the rim pushed up enough to see her blue eyes going up and down his sloppy figure, making her usual easy, laidback smile drain away into a look of concern. "Uh, Rolf, when was the last time you got any shut eye?" she asked, her tone calm but her body language was all but screaming with alarm at his unkempt state.

It took his tired brain a minute to recall the meaning of the words 'shut eye' in the context, but once he did, he gave her a weary smile as he replied, "Rolf does not know."

She walked over, her head held high, her back straight and her expression stern, but her eyes gentle as she picked up the book and softly suggested that, "Maybe you should take a break? It should be easier to remember all this after some sleep." She paused, then sniffed the air around him before her face contorted into one of discontent before adding, "'N maybe a nice, hot shower too…" while waving her free hand in an attempt to waft the smell away from the two of them.

"But Rolf still needs to study to get his certification…!" He cried as he reached for it, only for her to quickly hide it behind her back, "Rolf, you'll be fine." She assured him in a soothing tone. He got up out of his seat and reached for it, noting how her nose wrinkled when he lifted his arms to reach it. But she didn't back down, she held him back with one hand while holding his book farther away with the other, her posture sturdy and solid. Meanwhile, his body was slumped over and his arms were flailing as he tried to get his tome back.

"But if Rolf doesn't pass this exam, he cannot help his friends!" He looked at her pleadingly. He may not remember when he had last slumbered or bathed, but he had been doing nothing but working and studying for a long time and he couldn't stop now!

She pouted pensively, probably torn between helping him stay healthy or letting him keep working… or maybe the smell was finally getting to her.

Hard to tell.

Especially now that the odor emanating from his armpits was finally entering his nose. It was worse than Victor's cabbage evacuations or the stench of eternal doom. But he couldn't back down now!

"How about while you clean up, I'll quiz you on this." She held up the book, "But then yer getting some rest." The man opened his mouth to speak, only for her to glare at him and poke at his chest, "'N I don't care if I have to hog tie you ta the nearest bed, yer getting some sleep, whether you like it or not."

Rolf let out an audible gulp. In their first year out of high school, his fence was damaged by a storm and his animals had gotten out. He'd managed to get every single one of them back while his Papa and Nano fixed the fence, except for Wilfred. (The sly son-of-a-gun…) He had chased him around the neighborhood for hours, swearing and shouting at the swine… only for her to pull up, see what was happening, pull some rope out of the back of her truck, leap onto the pig and within seconds, she had restrained him. And while it had been fascinating to watch, he doubted it was as interesting (or as cathartic) to be the one tied up.

"Well?" she prodded.

"The Son of a Shepherd can agree to that." He said quickly, giving her a nervous smile before she started shoving him towards the updated bathroom he had built on the first floor for his new business endeavor. He quickened his pace and pushed open the shower curtain covered in barnyard animals, revealing the new bathtub he'd installed.

"I'll have yer mom bring in some fresh clothes 'n a towel for ya, then I'll start quizzin' ya." Cowpoke Connie promised as she closed the door behind her.

The blue haired man sighed as he pulled off his sweat stained clothes and hopped into the shower and turned on the water, his eyes not leaving the colorful little fish thing-a-ma-jigs on the floor. Cowpoke Connie had gotten them for him to keep anyone from slipping in the tub and hurting themselves. "So not only will you not have to worry about slipping when cleaning the little ones up but when they're splashin' around in the tub, it'll look like they have little fish friends with them!" She had explained as she pulled out several small washcloths and towels with matching fish on them.

He felt a small smile curl up his cheeks at the memory as he picked up one of the washcloths, this one had what she had called a clown fish on it (Rolf still had no idea why they were called that), before his smile slid off with a sigh. She had really thought of nearly everything for this and he was barely chugging along behind her. And this had been his idea! He groaned and rubbed his face, his short, unkempt beard prickling his fingers. He needed to focus and get his certification, it was the least he could do for his new business… and for Cowpoke Connie, who he had been courting long enough to call her by just her name, no title, just a name, but still couldn't muster up the courage. Even while she had been hauling him through most of the licensing mumbo-jumbo, helping him child-proof his house and the farm, instructing him on how to set up business accounts, talked him through taxation, and more!

He reached for the fish shaped children's body soap she and his Mama had bought while picking out bins and toys for the children to play with and opened it. As soon as he had lifted the lid, his nose hairs were assaulted with a sickeningly sweet smell, he quickly closed it and read the label, "Strawberry Blast?" he murmured, baffled. This strange soap did not smell like strawberries, so why call it this? And what exactly had these strawberries blasted to come out smelling like _this_?

The Son of the Sheppard continued to contemplate for a minute as he began to rub the overwhelming scent onto the cloth with a grimace on his face, '_When Rolf gets the chance, he must try to make a new soap that truly smells like a strawberry… although how to make it smell like a 'blast' is beyond Rolf…_' He thought before the sound of a knock at the door 'snapped him out of it.'

"Rolf?" his Mama called from the other side of the door, "Mama has fresh clothes and a towel for you!"  
"Come in," he said, hearing the door open and shut. "Rolf is using the new soap Mama bought at the store."

"Oh?" she said, curious.

"Rolf does not know how a 'blast' might smell, but he knows this doesn't smell like strawberries." He said, holding his foaming washcloth outside of the curtain for her to sniff. To his surprise, she gently pushed it back into the shower with him, "Mama knows, she and Thoughtful-Connie-girl only bought this to 'hold us over' until she finds a recipe for Mama to make her own strawberry soap for the wee ones." She then told him that his clothes were by the sink and that she'd leave the door open a crack so the lovely cowgirl outside could quiz him while he washed before leaving the room. He peeked from the curtain to watch his Mama walk out and leave the door open a crack and looked back at the washcloth, took a deep wiff for himself and gagged, "BLASTS SMELL LIKE HALF BAKED SWEETS AND TOOTH ROT!" he bellowed, his beloved laughing outside the door.

He felt himself deflate at the sound, a small smile on his face as he started scrubbing the overly sweet smelling soap onto his body. As awful as this soap was, at least something about it made her happy, even if it was the sound of his suffering.

He then glanced at the shampoo, wary at the unpleasant scent that the fish shaped container would unleash upon him next…

.

.

.

It was quiet for a moment, save for the sound of the water coming out of the movable shower head inside the bathroom before Connie heard his angry shout and fell to the floor laughing.

When she finally calmed down and pulled herself off the floor, she could practically _hear_ the gears in his head turning as she leaned against the door frame beside the bathroom door, which his mother had left open a crack so they could hear each other properly. She bit back a fit of giggles as she pictured him holding the bottle with a puzzled expression and scratching his head thoughtfully with his free hand once he finished washing his body. Then she turned red when she remembered that he was kinda in the shower right now and quickly decided to end his inquiries here so she wouldn't do that again.

"The shampoo doesn't smell like blueberries… or a smoothie." she informed him.

She heard a 'hmm?' which was probably him picking up the fish shaped shampoo bottle to read the label. But before he could question why these soaps claimed to be scented like these things when they were not, she explained that, "Companies who make kid shampoos know that kids like sweets 'n cool sounding things, so they give them those kinds of names so kids'll ask their parents to buy them."

It was quiet while Rolf was probably contemplating all of this. "Sorry." She said, "But at least you'll smell better than you did before."

"Rolf doubts his scent will improve much from these sickening soaps." He complained.

"Believe me, it will." She said with a chuckle before saying, "Alright, I'm assumin' you've read this a whole thing a few times over by now, right? So I'm gonna pick a random page and quiz 'ya on it, okay?"

She waited a beat, only to hear nothing but the sound of the water.

"Rolf? You fall asleep on me in there?" she asked, a bit worried. She'd assumed that he'd respond in someway, either about the book or to ask more about the soap or shampoo, not for him to stop talking all together. She waited another beat, or maybe half a beat, hard to say, she was started to panic a bit now.

"Rolf?" she called out, not bothering to hide her concern as she gently pushed the door open further while tugging the rim of her hat down towards her chin, so she couldn't see anything, "Rolf, I hope you're not asleep in there 'cause I do _not_ want to have to call for your Daddy to drag you out of there…"

"The Son of a Shepherd has not fallen asleep!" He blurted, sounding a little annoyed, "He is simply preparing himself for whatever sickening scent the shampoo has in store for him!"

"It's not that bad!" she insisted with a laugh, relieved he was fine and that she wouldn't have to call for his dad to drag him out, "And it's only until I can find something better, you'll get over it!" she promised. She heard an audible _gag_ from the bathroom and found herself laughing harder, "Oh come on! I used ta use that stuff 'n it doesn't smell _that_ bad!"

"Men from the Old Country don't like to smell like they rolled through half-baked sweets!" he countered, and knowing him like she did, Connie bet that he was pouting in there.

"'N women from the South don't like listenin' ta belly achin' when they should be hearin' scrubbin'." She replied coolly, knowing that if he hadn't been pouting before, he sure as hell would be now. After a few minutes of nothing but running water and scrubbing, instead of hearing him speak, she heard the water turn off. Surprised, she turned only for the door to shut in her face and for her to hear muffled grumbles from the other side of the door. She pushed the rim of her hat back up and slid her body around the edge of the doorway so she was now blocking his way out. She then let one of her feet slide to the other side of the doorway, just so he couldn't get away so easily.

He came out in fresh clothes with a damp towel hanging off his neck, his face pulled into an annoyed expression as she leaned in and took a long sniff, "Like cotton candy 'n fruit juice." She declared cheerfully. His pout expanded into a scowl as she smiled triumphantly up at him.

With the flick of a finger, he pushed the rim of her hat down until it covered her eyes completely.

"… Okay, I deserved that." She admitted, chucking a bit as she pushed it back up, "'N I'm sorry I didn't quiz 'ya like I said I would, so how about I quiz you for fifteen minutes before makin' you get some shut eye?" A growl erupted from the man's stomach, his cheeks turning crimson with embarrassment.

"…Why don't we do this in the kitchen 'n get some grub in you while we're at it?" She suggested. Rolf nodded gratefully and followed her into the kitchen.

.

.

.

Rolf took another bite from his drumstick as he watched Cowpoke Connie flip through the book with the covers facing him, to ensure he wasn't looking at the page. "Okay, so if a child finds a chemical cleaner and drinks some, what do you do?" She asked.

"The Son of a Shepherd calls Poison Control, yes?" he answered, indicating a list of special numbers he'd had Double-D-Ed boy help him look up on the confounded computer device, "Rolf still does not see how vinegar is poison, as it puts hair on one's chest and vigor in their steps." He said before helping himself to another mouthful of meat.

"Some parents might not be okay with the hairy chest thing." She commented, "I know for a fact that if Lee, Marie and May came here to pick up their babies 'n found them with hairy chests, they'd be fit to be tied."

"Hog tied?" He asked for clarification.

"Only if you have thick enough chains." She replied dryly, "And that's only the girls, the Eds wouldn't be too happy either…" she paused, "Okay, maybe Ed might think it was kinda cool, but once Eddy or Double-D tell him how that's not normal, he'd _definitely _freak out." He nodded in agreement before taking another bite as she then pointed out that, "Plus, for all we know, some kid might be allergic to vinegar. So, until you know for sure, you should keep it out of their reach." She looked to his kitchen cabinets, as if to point out which one he should keep it in and frowned, "You haven't baby proofed in here yet?"

"The Son of a Shepherd has done most of the proofing for the babes, but when he had gotten to the kitchen, Mama was busy making those snacks Buck-Toothed May girl told her about and told Rolf to come back later." He glanced out the kitchen window and saw his mother happily walking towards the chicken coop with a basket in her arms, "Mama is very excited to have a house full of little ones to care for since she has retired as a barber. Rolf thought it would be good to teach Mama and Papa about them the next day and went to his quarters to study…"

"But then you forgot to come out." Cowpoke Connie finished for him. He flinched, then nodded sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head, "Rolf will show them after he rests…" he relented as he took his last bite of meat.

"Don't worry about it." She said warmly as she closed the book, "I still have a bunch of baby proofin' stuff in my truck, I can show them while you get some sleep."

He shook his head and swallowed the last of his drumstick, "Rolf does not wish to bother Cowpoke Connie anymore than he already has…"

"'N when did I _ever_ say that you were botherin' me with this?" she asked sharply, her scowl much like Nana's whenever she'd catch Rolf with handfuls of almost completely pickled prunes from the pot before they were ready to be eaten.

He watched her nervously, silently hoping she wouldn't pull a wet noodle from behind her back too… only to watch her push out of her chair, stomp over to him and shove a piece of paper into his somewhat greasy hands, "This is a ticket to my college graduation." She said, "I'm gettin' my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education. I already finished my student-teachin' requirement 'n passed all my finals. I graduate next Wednesday."

The butter churn in his head stopped for a moment as he processed that new bit of information, her scowl quickly shifting into her usual, beautiful smile as he looked from her, to the paper, to her, and to the paper again before he blurted, "If you had been studying all of this already, why did you not help Rolf study sooner?!"

She burst out laughing before gently stroking the sides of his beard with her fingers, his cheeks burning brighter than the burning shed that brought them closer together back in their senior year in high school as she explained that, "Because helpin' you set all this up has been way more fun than sittin' in a dusty room, studyin'."

She gave him a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose and a beaming smile, "So thank you for that."

"… So the Son of a Shepherd only gets one kiss for his efforts?" He posed.

Cowpoke Connie chuckled, her blue eyes sparkling, "Well ain't you greedy?" she teased before giving him a soft kiss on the lips, a goofy smile curling up his cheeks as he kissed back.

He sighed happily as she gently threaded her fingers through his damp hair and 'peppered' his face with kisses. (There were no peppers involved, but he still thoroughly enjoyed himself.) Too busy basking in Cowpoke Connie's affections to notice that Mama had returned with a basket full of eggs until she asked, "Does Mama need to get a ring of sausages for a proper proposal?" Making Connie jump, before her cheeks turned pink in unison with his own as Mama placed the basket on the kitchen counter.

"Mama!" he cried out, embarrassed as she giggled and fled further into the house. His cheeks burned warmer as he looked up at Cowpoke Connie sheepishly, "Perhaps the Son of a Shepherd should get some sleep, yes?"

She chuckled and give him a peck on the forehead, "I'll deal with yer Mama, hopefully I can keep her from teasin' us anymore with sausage links."

"Rolf wishes you the best of luck with that." He grumbled as he got up from his chair to put his dishes away.

"We still need to baby proof in here, so I think I can manage." She laughed, putting her hat on his head and pulling him close with it, "Get some rest Rolf, I've got this." She promised as she took his dishes from him and started washing them in the sink.

He smiled at her as he walked behind her, turned her around and kissed her tenderly, murmuring a "Thank you, Cornelia" as he plopped her hat back onto her head before leaving the kitchen, stopping outside the door where his Mama was standing looking quite confused.

"Cornelia?" she asked, pointing to the red faced cowgirl who was grabbing at the edges of her hat and smiling broadly as she let out a small squeal, "Is that not Cowpoke Connie girl in there?"

"That is her full first name, Connie is short for Cornelia." He explained to her, "It is a name her family has given girls for many generations, but as her Nana is also Cornelia, she prefers to be called Connie, as to not let anyone get confused."

Mama smiled, "Cowpoke Connie is very respectful of her elders, yes?"

He nodded and rubbed at the back of his head, "The Son of a Shepherd is going to rest for a while, Connie will show Mama how to do proofing for the babies in the kitchen."

"Shall Mama learn what size Cowpoke Connie's hips are for the ring of sausages too?" Mama asked with a giggle.

"MAMA NO!" He shouted before bashfully explaining, in a hushed whisper that, "Rolf will do it himself in time!"

"Mama suggests Rolf hurries then." Mama said with a cross of her arms, "As Cowpoke Connie has been more than patient with you and has stood loyally by your side for many years now, yes?"

"Yes." He confirmed, "But after all Connie has done to follow our traditions, the Son of a Shepherd should follow her traditions as well."

"What traditions?" Mama asked, curious.

"Asking for Connie's Mama's and Papa's blessing." He said simply.

"Is that all?" Mama asked, beaming, "Then Rolf can do so during the celebration of his certification! Now go rest! I will have Cowpoke Connie's hip measurements ready for you when you get up!"

"_Mama_!" he whined, embarrassed.

"Bed!" Mama ordered with a finger towards the stairs.

He sighed, but obeyed, his steps stalling for a moment while Mama checked on Connie, her face still flushed as they chatted for a moment before she caught his eye, smiled and called out, "Go to bed, Rolf!" His Mama turning around and scowling at him before he quickly picked up his pace and made it to his room and collapsed onto his bed, sliding his hand under his pillow and grabbing at the small box he'd hid there. He pulled it out and opened it, the silver molded into the shape of a ring of sausage links, a small smile on his face at the fact that Hair-Like-A-Blueberry-Marie-girl had made it exactly as he specified. He stared at it for another moment before bashfully closing the box and shoving it back under his pillow before burying his crimson face into it.

"The Son of a Shepherd is relieved that Connie's tradition of giving rings to one's beloved before matrimony is less intimate than Rolf's, yes?"


End file.
